i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
