Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
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