I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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