Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
