I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
