i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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