once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
