I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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