how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
