I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
