I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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