fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
