girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
