but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
