I'm gonna have a badass scar
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
