So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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