"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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