my phone needs a breathalizer
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
