OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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