Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
