For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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