Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
