the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
