Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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