I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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