I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
