I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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