So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize