so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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