my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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