winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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