What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
