I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
