omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
