Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
