I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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