I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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