I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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