We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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