margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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