i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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