oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Boobs are out for the taking
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
