fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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