Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
