it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
