My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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