Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
