There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
