Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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