so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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