Whoa Z and x make the same sound
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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