this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
