I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
