Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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