I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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