Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
