I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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