I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
