Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just gift wrapped bread.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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