I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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