Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
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