You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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