One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm too high and old for this...
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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